Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Retroactive Liveblog of My Internet Outage

2:15 – Finally start working on screenwriting homework due at 6.

2:30 – Notice internet is not working. Think it just needs to be reset and therefore ignore it because now finally maybe work can be done without distractions.

4:00 – Finish homework, feel proud of self. Begin to wrestle with internet.

4:01 – Reset connection from computer. Doesn’t work.

4:02 – Reset connection on router. Doesn’t work.

4:03 – Unplug everything, plug it back in, restart computer.

4:05 – Still doesn’t work.

4:07 – Call Dad. Told to do all the things I just did. Learn that it is probably an issue with the provider and not the connection here.

4:09 – While on the phone, have apartment invaded by former roommate, here to tell me that my new roommate is moving in right now. New roommate is a dude.

4:10 – New roommate is a dude? IT'S A DUDE? WHAT?

4:11 – New roommate is a dude? Are you serious?

4:12 – Decide internet situation is the bigger crisis, shut and lock door in order to better freak out about it.

4:15 – Restart computer.

4:16 – Restart computer again.

4:17 – Restart computer a third time, just in case.

4:20 – Get out phone, angrily tweet about everything bad that is happening.

4:45 – Finally stop tweeting, look at Yelp for nearby coffeehouses with free wifi, because I still have to send that thing by six.

4:50 – "This is your new roommate XXXX, he will be living here for the next ten days" - the x's aren't because I'm protecting his identity, they're because I didn't hear what his name was. We'll call him Roommate Phil.

4:55 – Find a Starbucks down the street. Of course there's a Starbucks down the street. Thank you Jesus for the Earth's Starbucks infestation.

5:00 – Change into clothes a human might be seen wearing in public rather than if they have been holed up in a cave for three days.

5:10 – Finally leave apartment.

5:11 – Discover that lotion has exploded inside purse. Want to die.

5:13 – Notice while driving that there is yet another ad for insurance stuck under the windshield wiper; become irrationally angry about it.


It immediately joined these, on the floor of my car:


5:15 – Wow, that was the easiest time parking ever. Not sarcastic.

5:16 – Is that a homeless guy sleeping behind that bush?

5:20 – In Starbucks. Hopefully they do not notice me leeching off their internet without buying anything.


5:25 – Is that a choir of angels singing?

5:27 – Check every single website before doing anything important.

5:30 – Compose message to send homework.

5:31 – "Attachment failed," are you serious right now Gmail.

5:36 – Finally send email with homework. 24 minutes early!

5:36-6:02 – Enjoy having internet.

6:03 – Leave without buying anything. Feel slightly guilty about it, then stop, because it’s Starbucks and they’re doing fine.

6:05 – This situation with an ambulance happens, just in case you weren't sure if the stories about LA traffic were true or not:


Sirens were not on, for the record. This is just how that guy drives.

6:10 – Back in apartment. Internet still malfunctioning. Roommate Phil keeps moving his stuff in. This is a lot of stuff for just ten days.

6:15 – More angry tweeting.

6:45 – Decide to read a book.

6:50 – This book is terrible. Really, really terrible.

7:50 – Read 100 pages of terrible book, to make sure it's terrible. It is. Start skimming.

8:45 – Finish skimming. What a waste of time.

8:47 – Tweet angrily about that book being terrible.

8:49 – Complain to Elizabeth about everything via text.

8:50 – Get some food from the fridge. Discover fridge is now stocked with Activia yogurt and Lactaid milk. Also a vegetable of some kind is sitting exposed on the bottom shelf.

8:50-10:30 – Refresh gmail/twitter/facebook/everything on my iPhone, grateful for the connection to the outside world. But it's not the same. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

10:35 – Is there anything on any of the 12 channels I get on my TV?

10:36 – No.

10:37 – I guess I'll just watch some of America's Got Talent, I've never seen this before...

10:59 – That was a waste of time.

11:00 – Decide to watch an old Avs game from this last year. The one where they beat the Canucks. Yes, there was only one of those, but it happened, and I downloaded it for the memories.

11:15 – Awwwwwwwww, look, Liles scored!!

11:20 – Oh, look, Shattenkirk and Liles just let them get a shorthanded breakaway chance. Maybe there is a reason they got traded after all.


12:00: Finish game (I fastforwarded to the good parts), finally go to bed because without the internet it's hard to find reasons to stay up any later.

8:30 – Get woken up by Roommate Phil's Beyonce ringtone.

8:35 – Discover internet still not working, throw an inner tantrum.

8:37 – Awkwardly have awkward conversation about bus times with Roommate Phil.

8:40 – Roommate Phil has a pink and white bedspread, that's interesting I guess.

8:45 – Start writing liveblog, making up arbitrary and inaccurate times for everything up to this point.


9:01 – Watch new Spider-Man trailer on iPhone, cry because it's so tiny and hard to see.

9:02 – Still looks so good though. So so so good.

9:04 – Decide to watch another Avs game. Footer's last game this time.

12:00 – Turn off Avs game after they win in OT, because tears will start flowing if I watch any of the post-game proceedings.

12:09 – Time for lunch.

12:11 – Fan above stove turns itself on. Realize I am the only one home. Decide that this apartment is haunted.

12:26 – Too afraid to go in the kitchen. In movies I always yell at people who stay in places that seem haunted, because OBVIOUSLY bad things are about to happen to them. In those moments I always think to myself, "I would never be that stupid," and here is my chance to prove it.

12:42: Hunger prevails. Bravely make a grilled cheese sandwich. No more ghost appearances... for now.


Unsurprisingly, it looks just like all the other grilled cheese sandwiches I’ve ever made.

1:00 – Roommate Phil comes back from wherever he went, goes in the bathroom and locks the door. You know, because otherwise I might like, follow him in there, or something.

1:05 - Start watching the Avs/Wings game where Duchene got his first NHL goal. A classic, in my opinion.

1:32 – The internet is finally back. The apocalypse is over.


  1. I think you are the most hilarious writer I have EVER read! Thank you for sharing! Hey, at least you have a roommate and your crazy/evil/psycho/bipolar roommate didn't leave you with rent. Just sayin', livin' with a gay guy sounds mildly entertaining... ;)

  2. Haha, thanks! And that is true. It could definitely be worse. (In fact, I've had worse, not even that long ago!)

  3. Lol. I am talking to you on Skype right now and commenting. This feels bizarre. I love this timeline. Mostly because it's so specific.