And I still feel all "ehhh" about it. I blurred it all out so you can’t read the things I wrote and promptly hated and X’d out, but each paragraph is a new start because I am a failure and will never amount to anything because I can’t even finish a sentence I like much less an actual book. Etc.
On top of being a terrible writer, I’m also a terrible procrastinator. For example, instead of actually working on something creative right now, I am writing this blog post. I’m telling myself that blogging is still writing so it still counts as work, but we all know that isn’t true. This post isn’t going to win any awards or change anyone’s life. And neither will my book, because I will never finish it. EVERRRRRRR.
All right, so that’s out of my system now. But for real, writing is hard. And scary, somehow. I feel like my time in California had the opposite of the intended effect. I was supposed to feel more creative, being surrounded by other people who loved writing and being creative, but instead I just felt really out of my league and like nothing I wrote was worthwhile (no matter what feedback I got, which was actually largely positive #humblebrag). It’s been almost six months since I left, but I still feel that way. I know it’s stupid, but I haven’t been able to shake it.
And I know all the advice – “just write! Just keep writing and it will all be okay! Somehow!” – but for some reason I’ve been too scared to, and in the last couple weeks since I’ve been trying to face this, I’ve written literally like, four pages. Handwritten. And then as soon as that happened it was instantly deemed too crappy to look at again, ever, and then I didn’t type it up or try to do anything with it because I just hated it, automatically, because it was something I wrote.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess I just needed to vent. So thanks, internet, for existing and allowing me to spew my fears and insecurities into the void. I’m in a rut and it sucks, but hopefully that will get better. In the meantime, I’ll just be over here, watching Midnight in Paris over and over. And over. (AND OVER. Because seriously I just watched it the other day for the first time and it was instantaneously promoted to one of my top five favorite movies of all time.)