Friday, April 29, 2011

It Just Keeps Holding On

I sure am glad I decided to do a song of the week thing, because otherwise I would have NOTHING to write about! Ha ha! And now you're like, "I'm sure that's not true, Sarah! Surely your life is interesting and you're just being modest!" No. I'm not. Unless you want me to blog endlessly about hockey, no, I have nothing to write about right now. And I could do that easily, but no one would read it.

This, however, is the calm before the storm, because a month from now I'll be packing up a third of my belongings (basically just my clothes, my computer, some blankets and all of my DVDs) and peacing out. And THEN, maybe I'll have something interesting to write about! Or at the very least, some boring things that I can pretend are interesting.

Anyway, here's the song of the week:

Beat the Devil's Tattoo by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

I first heard this particular song on Chuck, where it was featured in some episode with a wrestler in it that I didn’t watch, but was on TV when I was passing through the kitchen once. I have since listened to this entire album multiple times, because it is awesome in many ways.

This video is not interesting. It is about people who drink a lot and don’t clean up their house and have some other problem that is apparently bigger than that, but is still largely irrelevant to anyone who cares. Hipsters, standing around, driving around, smoking, acting like their lives are difficult somehow. They have an ugly van. At the end, a guy walks into a building. It is not interesting.

The song is really good though.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Mo' Money Mo' Problems

Yesterday I wrote a check for $1,500. Today I mailed it. And now there is no going back. I am committed to this screenwriting thing now. I just gave them like a third of my money. More than that, actually. I just checked, with a calculator. I'm not good at math.

Definitely the biggest check I've ever written. I wrote it and then I looked at it and had a panic attack. Well, not really a panic attack, more like the kind of panic attack that gets exaggerated for the sake of a blog post.

Because I didn't really have a panic attack. It doesn't feel real. I just wrote some numbers on a piece of paper. What could that possibly be worth? It's just a piece of paper! I just wrote a one and a five and some zeroes on it. Who cares? Let's add some more zeroes to it. They're just little circles! Circle, circle, circle! Wheeee!

Today I thought I would be rolling around on the ground in a state of "I have no money" delirium, I've heard that can happen. Instead I went and got my hair cut (my mom paid, because I just wrote a check for fifteen hundred dollars) and all I could think as I sat there in the salon was things like, "does anyone ever not resemble Jabba the Hutt when wearing one of these smock things" and "I could totally win a Mickey Rourke lookalike contest with this bleach on my roots."

(Oh yeah, by the way, I bleach my hair, just like all those other California bimbos. Or something. Whatever, okay? I like having blonde hair, OKAY? Let's just pretend it's me being ironic. OKAY? And anyway my hair IS blonde! NATURALLY! So there! If I want it to be more blonde, that is my prerogative! Leave me alone!) (I am specifically speaking to my hairstylist from today who condescendingly asked me if I liked having bleach blonde hair! The answer is YES! I DO! Now do what my mom is paying you to do and MAKE ME LOOK BEAUTIFUL!) (Wow, if anyone was wondering if I would make a good diva someday, there is your answer.)

Now I'm watching some sporting events. Specifically, the Rockies/Cubs game (and later I will watch the Sharks and Kings). There are people sending in emails or tweets or something and the TV people have them scrolling at the bottom of the screen. Someone just called the Rockies the "Roxs." How is that pronounced, exactly? Feel free to explain in the comments.

Anyway, the point is, I'm not freaking out about this, and I think that means something is wrong with me.

In other news, no backing out now.


(I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, baby. Please don't be angry. I hate it when we fight. Let's hug.)

Friday, April 22, 2011

Being Broke Made My Head Hurt

(Sarah, look. You have to post something. You have 11 followers now! Those people expect you to put out! NO, not like that. You just have to update! It doesn't matter that you've run out of things to say about Los Angeles because you're still in Denver! YOU MUST WRITE OR ELSE THEY WILL STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU. THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS. THIS IS THE BUSINESS YOU ARE WILLINGLY ATTEMPTING TO GET INTO. PLEASE THE MASSES OR THEY WILL ABANDON YOU! WRITE SOMETHING! NOW!!!!!)

Uhh... hi! Hey guys! Here's a post! Look at it! It's even got a youtube video this time (and it is totally rad)!

This is a song I heard the other day for the first time and I love it. Maybe this will be a Friday thing now. Song of the Week!

"Gifted" by N.A.S.A. and featuring Kanye West, Santigold, and Lykke Li

Here's what this video is about:

Two astronaut dudes are going to Mars. They totally crash, and the black guy dies (of course). The white guy starts wandering around Mars and gets totally, totally high (oxygen deprivation?). He starts hallucinating tons of weird shapes and colors and squiggly lines and big naked lady constellations and stuff (he flies through her bellybutton? I don't know).

Then he's like "Wait, I was dreaming!" He sees his other astronaut friend! He's alive! He taps him on the shoulder and AHHHH HE'S JUST A ROTTING CORPSE IN A SPACESUIT. NEVER MIND. He WAS dreaming, but in a bad way!

Then he goes back into psychedelic territory and nothing makes sense anymore, and then it pulls out and reveals that the cartoon astronaut dude is just in some kind of lab where people are monitoring him being high, or something. Maybe it's supposed to be poignant? It's not.

But the song is really good.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

"Professional List Maker" Should Be On This List

When I move to Los Angeles, I will need to find a job, so that I get money, so that I can stop making my parents pay for my whole life (despite how much they obviously want to continue doing that forever). I've thought a lot about it, and I've come up with some ideas for what I might be qualified to do when I get out there. This is mostly just for my own benefit, but I thought would share, to give the illusion that this blog is actually about something (let me know if it is working).

Ten Jobs I Would Be Willing To Do In California In Order To Avoid Homelessness, In The Order That I Would Prefer To Do Them:
1. Professional Sleep Study Test Subject.
I am really good at sleeping. Someone should pay me to do it.

2. Professional Blogger.
I have been blogging in various formats since I was 14, I think I am an expert by now.

3. Professional Hockey Anything.
I don't care if I would just be in charge of making sure the practice jerseys get washed after morning skates, I love hockey enough that I would do it and do it happily. (Provided my payment involved free tickets when the Avs come to town, of course.)

4. Cat Babysitter.
Is your cat lonely during the day? I will play with it! I will feed it and pet it and give it all the love it could possibly want while you are at work/on vacation/whatever! What do you mean, "it's a cat"? I don't understand.

5. Private Investigator.
Again, stalking is something I'm already good at that I should get paid to do.

6. Advertisement Writer.
I have lots of experience with this as well thanks to my current position, plus marketing savvy that would BLOW YOUR MIND... ask me about my great ideas for commercials for the NHL and Hanes that involve Ke$ha songs.

7. Professional Person With An Eye Twitch.
Getting really good at this lately. I'm practicing right now.

8. Barista at a Starbucks where famous people go.
"Today, Kirstie Alley came in and ordered a venti non-fat no foam no water 6 pump extra hot chai tea latte and was this total diva about it."

9. Crack Den Janitor.
Not sure how much this pays, or what benefits would be involved - presumably crack, but, you know, I'm talking about like health insurance and stuff.

10. Anything in retail.
I would rather be a crack den janitor.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Will Name My Purse Dog After the First Hipster I Meet

The last time I was in Los Angeles, I was twelve. I had begged my dad to take us to California because I wanted to see a famous person. Finally, he did, and we spent the entire trip in the Redwood Forest. (This is how I remember it. Not intended to be a factual statement, etc.) We also saw some seals from far away. We did not see any famous people.

I have not been back since, because I've had other things to do in the intervening years. So now, as I'm getting ready to move there, I'm wondering how unrealistic my expectations will end up being. I have high hopes that it will be totally rockin', but I'm also pretty terrified I'm going to hate it. I guess we'll just have to find out! At least if I hate it, I will be able to write funny blog posts about it that will entertain the five people who read them. If I can make... just one person smile... then it will all have been worth it. Etc.

Anyway, I made a list of my expectations. Some of them are even kind of realistic!

None of These are Realistic
1. The weather is always perfect. Always! It is never too hot, and never too cold! It is always Goldilocks temperature. Sometimes it rains, and when that happens, everybody goes on Twitter to complain about it, and everybody feels a little closer to one another for having made it through such a terrible and frightening event together.

2. The traffic sucks horribly, but sometimes you will be next to a famous person who is just annoyed as you are that they are stuck behind a million cars, and maybe they will look over and shake their head at you as if to say, "can you believe this traffic?!" And then I'll be able to blog that that happened to me.

3. THE WEIRDEST HIPSTERS, EVERYWHERE! Second to only New York City hipsters in weirdness levels. I will take pictures of them, because they will be ridiculous.

4. Everything costs too much, BUT, everybody gets paid more to make up for it!*

5. When you get your new driver's license, they will make sure you get a picture that looks good, even to the point of retaking it if the first one comes out looking insane. Conan said this happens. I BELIEVE HIM.

6. Famous celebrities and their cute yet weirdly dressed children and/or dogs play in every park.

7. Everyone likes basketball, and it will make me want to die.

8. Unless the basketball team is being stupid for a few games, at which point everyone will bandwagon the hockey teams that are usually good, and it will also make me want to die.

9. A Starbucks every 500 feet.

10. Magic portals that lead to Narnia and/or places where cute famous boys hang out and I can memorize these locations and subsequently go there and accidentally run into them, like in a romantic comedy. We'll spill coffee on each other, or spill a bunch of papers and knock heads trying to pick them up while insisting "no no it's okay, it's fine, I can get them," or, "oh man, how embarrassing, your dog is totally humping my leg, wow, awkward, let's go to dinner."

11. They hand out free purse dogs at the border.

12. I will magically become tan.

13. NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND ME and this will lead me into becoming one of those weird hipsters I'll initially make fun of.

14. Definitely no earthquakes! That would be scary!


16. Rollerblades.

17. People will say "hella," and they will not be kidding.

18. Scientologists will try to eat me.

19. I will become best friends with all the famous writers and actors I admire.**

20. Earthquakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! D:

*HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAAAAA!!! (Oh please God let this one be true.)
**It's probably easy but if you can name all these people without looking them up or at the URL like a cheater, you will win some money.***
***Someone else will give it to you. I don't have any.

Friday, April 15, 2011

"Tangible Toxic Fumes" will be the name of my new indie punk band.

For everyone's general information, I am not leaving Colorado to go to California because I hate Colorado. I am leaving Colorado because I am following my dream, which is to trick someone into letting me write for their TV show. If I could do this from Colorado somehow, I assure you, I would. And when I grow up into Amy Poehler and/or Tina Fey, I will use my superpowers to make someone give me money so I can be a TV writer in Colorado. Preferably for a TV show filmed here. I already have ideas for this. But I digress.

A year ago, I was ready to move out to California immediately upon graduation. This would have been astonishingly stupid of me, because I had no money. I still have no money, but at least I have a little bit more no money than I did around this time last year. All I knew was that I didn't want to move back home to Colorado. Mostly because I didn't want to be That Person who Lives With Their Parents, despite how normal that is for people who just graduated from college and have no money.

But I did. And here is what I learned: Colorado is awesome! Seriously, it's awesome! I don't know how I forgot that while I was at school! ~COLORADO PRIDE~

Things I'm Going To Miss About Colorado
1. The Rocky Mountains. This is first on this list because if you make a list about Colorado and don't put the Rockies on it, you are a poseur. And actually, I am a poseur, because I love looking at the mountains, from far away. I like to see them on the horizon over there. I do not like to go into them, if I can avoid it. And it is pretty easy to avoid going into them. You pretty much always have to be trying to go to the mountains to go to the mountains. You don't just accidentally take a wrong turn and "whoops, here I am in the mountains." However, I am very much looking forward to making people in California feel like their mountains are like, totally stupid. Because I know they have mountains there too, and while I do not yet know what they are called (see, they're so stupid, people who live in Colorado don't even know their name!) (excluding all the people who live here who came from California), I know that they are shorter than ours, and just all around not as great. "You think that's a mountain? Ha! That's a hill." I will make them believe I am some hardcore hiker/skier chick who knows everything about mountains, when the reality is, I just like that they're there, that I can see them from my house, that they are this kind of anchor that keeps me from feeling whatever the opposite of claustrophobic is. (Apparently they have some fourteeners according to Wikipedia, though, so maybe this won't work.)

2. Downtown Denver. I work in Denver now, so I get to drive down Santa Fe every morning and see my beautiful smog covered city from afar before I am in it. I say "smog covered" because it's a city and all cities are like that, but since I am moving to Los Angeles I should probably enjoy this so-called "smog" while I can, before I am in a place where all I do all day is breathe in tangible toxic fumes. But Denver is a really great place. It's very clean, aside from the occasional piles of vomit on the sidewalk outside my office. It is full of interesting things and interesting people and you know what, you are just missing out, that's all. I'll just say that. You're missing out.

2a. An addendum to #2, because this is technically a thing I love about living in (sort of nearish to) Denver. I love hockey, and I love going to hockey games, and the team I love watching the most out of all hockey teams in existence is the Colorado Avalanche. And they play in Denver! When I go to their games, I drive ten minutes to the light rail station closest to my house and get on a train that takes me right to the Pepsi Center (which is where they play, FYI)! This is not something I will be able to do in California, because while they have hockey teams, they are none of them my hockey team. This is probably what is most upsetting to me currently, given that the Avalanche season just ended and now I am faced with the fact that I will probably not get to see them play in person for quite some time, longer than it would be if I was staying here. Though, I do have my fingers crossed that the Coyotes will end up moving back to Canada and in so doing create an Avs-shaped vacancy in the Pacific Division, which would lead to them playing six games each against all three of the California teams, which means I would get to see them in person a total of six times (because I'd get to go to their games against LA and Anaheim), and here we are in hockey nerd territory, and no one is still reading this paragraph.

3. My family. (Uh, maybe they should be higher on this list?) I have a lot of family here. My parents, my sister, my grandparents, an aunt and an uncle, and the most adorable 3 and a half year old cousin named Jack who could easily be a model for Gap if he felt like it, but he'd rather just play Wii Fit. Fortunately for everyone, I have an iPhone 4 now! So I expect to be making use of that FaceTime thing, though I'll probably accidentally hang up on them several times before I understand what I'm doing. I've already accidentally called someone twice. I don't know what it is about Apple products that makes me feel like I am a complete moron, but it happens every time I try to use one, invariably. I like to think I'm pretty technologically savvy, but if you throw some Macintosh thing at me and tell me to figure it out for myself, we are a no-go for launch. I can't even tell you the number of times I've been at work and had to look up "how to right-click on a Mac," because I can never remember how to do it. Wasn't that a fun tangent?

4. The people who work at my Starbucks and Noodles & Company. I have been going to these two places for the last year that I've worked at my current job. They're both right across the street, and they always remember me and what I get (because I am a creature of habit, it is always the same thing) (not that I go there every single day or anything, that would be totally unhealthy, probably). And, look, I know they're just doing their job, I know they are required to be nice to me at these places so that I keep coming back and spending money on their expensive drinks. I know, okay?! I know we aren't really friends! But the Starbucks people remember my name! They know my actual name! They ask me about things! They ask me about my dreams, my aspirations! ONE OF THEM LOOKS LIKE ROBERT DOWNEY JR., ALL RIGHT? And one time the Noodles people put a free cookie in my to-go bag. Beat that, future Noodles & Company I will eventually go to all the time in California. I dare you to do better.

5. My office of hippies. My job, the specifics of which I will not get into because I don't want anyone to fire me before I can quit, is not interesting in the absolute slightest, but lordy are the people ever entertaining. There's a person who gets all high on themselves because they write for HuffPo. There's a person who says "freakin'" at least once in every sentence. There's a person who awkwardly awkwards up to you when you're looking at a (totally work related! Yes I am looking this Tumblr full of pictures of actresses with Steve Buscemi's eyes for work related reasons) website or watching a YouTube video or basically doing anything at all and asks, "what's that?" There's a person who literally swaggers around the office, trying, apparently, to prove something to us. There's a person here who owns more hockey jerseys than I do. The CEO brings his dog to work and carries around a cigar, and somebody teaches a yoga class every Monday during lunch. Every day sees some kind of superhero drawn on the whiteboard in the kitchen. There are a lot of things I am not going to miss about this place, but I will miss being able to make fun of these people on Facebook behind their backs like the terrible person that I am.

6. Snow. HAHAHAHA oh man. I really thought I was going to be able to do it. I'm just kidding. I'm not going to miss snow. At all.

7. My alien friends that live underneath DIA that I go visit sometimes. You guys don't know what partying means until you've partied with the lizard people. One time we TPed the demon horse statue, just for fun. Most people don't know this, but that horse IS actually alive, and it was hilarious because he was SUUUPER pissed, but couldn't do anything to us except glare furiously with his glowing red eyes. Oh man, we were all just dying.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Adventures in Apartments

Let's play a game called "Guess How Fun It Is To Try To Rent An Apartment In One State While Living In Another."

If you guessed anywhere between "somewhat fun" and "SO MUCH FUN!" you are completely incorrect. The answer is, "it is not fun, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."

I have done extensive research into this. By "extensive research" I of course mean I have talked to one landlady via email, and she said I'm not allowed to rent any of her (very reasonably priced, by Calfornia standards!) apartments without visiting them in person first. Which... okay, fine, I suppose that makes sense. It would also give her a chance to meet me and decide whether or not I'm normal enough to rent from her. I understand that. If I were living there, I would want to make sure she wasn't planning to let some weirdy move in next door.

What I do find annoying, however, is that there is this "rule" about "having a job first," at this particular place. I'm expected to have some kind of employment that would ensure I have enough money to pay rent every month. Ha! What a ridiculous expectation! But seriously, come on. How am I supposed to get a job out there if I don't have a place to live? And you're telling me I can't get an apartment without a job? Well, this just sucks. Now I understand that book I sort of half-skimmed in the AP Literature class I took in 12th grade.

Come on, Potential Future Landlady. I have a job right now, so I can't just jet off to L.A. to check out your apartments. And by the way, how do I know YOU'RE normal? What if you're some kind of freak? I've had weird landladies before. The last one I had (you know, the one I had before it was my parents) was a harmless but senile old woman who would butt dial me all the time. Or something. Actually, I'm not sure that's what she did. But she would call me, randomly, and leave scratchy messages of nothing. I do know that at least some of these weren't accidental, because sometimes I got messages along these lines: "Hi, Sarah. I wanted to call you and see if you were home, but I guess you aren't. Goodbye." (Note: this was my cell phone she was calling. You know, those communication devices people always carry with them, everywhere they go.)

Also, there was the one time when the front office had to be closed down because of some sort of asbestos problem she didn't bother to inform any of the residents about. That was a fun time.

Another thing I obviously need to know: what kind of neighborhoods are these super cheap apartments in, anyway? Will I get shanked trying to walk down the street? Will I have to carry a flashlight in my purse with a thumb button on the end so I can pretend to be an undercover cop (I already do this)? Will my car get stolen/broken into/keyed for having nerd bumper stickers on the back/tire slashed/a variety of other horrible things that are incredibly likely to happen to me specifically because I have terrible luck with cars?

Will it be roach infested? Are there roaches in California, and if not, are you sure? I have slayed roaches. Dragon sized ones. One time, in the crazy landlady apartment, a roach crawled up onto my bed while I was sitting on it, trying to watch TV. It was one of the more traumatic things that happened to me while I was living there. (Other creatures I dealt with in that apartment: crane flies, centipedes, ants, literally a million gnats, a snake.)

Are these apartments located within close proximity to any places where I might accidentally run into any number of cute, rich famous guys (examples: Chris Pine, Zachary Levi, Donald Glover) while wearing oh this old thing I just threw it on and doesn't my makeup look effortless and check out how low maintenance I am? Or do I have to go through some kind of magic portal to find them? How many magic portals are there? Does one of them lead to Narnia? I heard Turkish Delight actually tastes disgusting: discuss.

Finally: can I have my cat? I'm gonna need to have my cat. Because look, cats are kind of a big deal with me. You think you don't like cats? You haven't met my cat. My cat's name is Leonidas Leonardo Sprinkles DaVinci Nimoy, and he is the perfect cat. He loves everyone, even you back there who thinks cats are dumb. Some cats can be dumb. Mine is not. I need an apartment that is okay with cats. Is Chris Pine okay with cats? Is Zachary Levi? What about Donald? This information is important. Please get back to me.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Saying Goodbye to Papa Foote

Footer's Last Stand 018

"I bled burgundy and blue."
-Adam Foote

I went to Adam Foote's last game. And... well, it was absolutely fantastic. I came home hoarse again. They won, thank baby Jesus. I don't know what anybody would have done if they hadn't managed it. It took them an overtime to do it - because we're the Avs, and we don't win in regulation anymore - but I'm actually glad it did. Because if it hadn't gone into overtime, we wouldn't have been treated to the best last shift in the history of hockey.

Adam Foote, ladies and gentlemen.

It was glorious, seeing that in person.

I don't even have words, really. There aren't any. Everybody's already said them all. This game was the celebration of an end of an era, and it was an absolute honor to get to stand there in the Pepsi Center and cheer for him. We delayed the puck drop multiple times with our ovations. I cried, more than once. Even the Oilers stood up for him.

Nobody can deny how amazing this man's career was, and how important he was (and still is, and will continue to be) to this organization. And nobody can deny how desperate the guys on the ice were at the end - O'Reilly, Duchene, Jones and Hejduk, the guys who are going to hold down the fort now, who will keep playing their hearts out for us, for their fans, who are going to continue the legacy guys like Foote brought to Denver back in 1995 - to win this one for their Captain.

"For me personally, I wanted to win so bad for him and try to help any way I could in that overtime. When we got that power play, I mean, I don’t think I was gonna come off the ice until we scored."
-Matt Duchene

Most of the time, athletes don't get to do this. They don't get to do a victory lap. They don't get to go out and play their hearts out one last time, the way Footer did. Patrick Roy didn't get to do this, Joe Sakic didn't get to do this, Peter Forsberg didn't get to do this. Adam Foote got to do this. We got to cheer for him, one last time. We got to thank him for being our Captain, for loving us the way we love him, for fighting for us, in so many ways. We got to tell him how much he's meant to us over the years. And I'm sure we overwhelmed him with it, it was palpable, it was rushing through the crowd the entire game, even when he messed up that one time and lost his +100 overall rating (that he had earned during this game). They kept showing him on the jumbotron, and I was almost sure he was trying not to tear up every single time.

It's something I'm never, ever going to forget. And while I'm sad, and I'm going to miss him, I'm excited about the future. I'm excited to see who gets to be named the third Avalanche captain (my money's on P-Stazz, but we'll see). More importantly, though, I'm excited about the team that went through this awful second half of a season - the team that learned exactly how bad it sucks to drop from 4th place to 14th. Next season will be a comeback for the ages.

Next season, man. These guys have something to prove, and it's going to rule to get to watch them prove it to us.

Footer agrees with me.
Kyle Keefe: What's your message to the young guys on the team that will eventually carry the torch here in Avalanche nation?
Adam Foote: Well, we were in Quebec, and when we moved here in '95, our core had developed, we'd had some time to be together... this is just going to get better. And you know what, it's probably a good thing it happened this way, learn the hard way after a great year last year. You know what, we're right there. You guys are lucky, you've got a young core here that's gonna really get it done here in the next decade.

Footer's Last Stand 040

We're gonna miss you, Adam, the same way we miss all our other greats. I can't wait to see your number in the rafters come October. And thank you, thank you, thank you a million times for your whole career - and especially that final shift. I'll never be able to think about it without smiling my head off.

Footer's Last Stand 107

Monday, April 11, 2011

Move Along, Nothing to See Here

Except for a totally rad youtube video.

Note: This is a California blog, therefore no one is allowed to make fun of me for saying "rad."

Friday, April 1, 2011

Don't Just Think You Want It

Okay Avs, look. I love you. I do. I've sat here and believed in you over the last three months, I've defended you, and I've watched every single one of these games until the end no matter how badly I wanted to turn it off and start destroying everything within reach.

But everyone has a limit, and after that Predators game last night, I'm pretty sure we've found mine.

You guys aren't playing like you care. At all. You can say all the right things in interviews, tell people you understand it's just not good enough, you understand you need to be better, that rallying here and there for a couple goals late in the third when you're down by three isn't going to cut it, that you know the fans deserve better, but until you show us that with your game, I don't believe you.

I know you're young, I know you're inexperienced, I know you've had injuries that have messed with chemistry, I know there were trades that also probably messed with chemistry. I know things have been bad, bad, bad. And I've tolerated these excuses for the last three months, because they made sense. But look, everybody deals with this. Every team in this league has injuries, tons of teams made trades, tons of teams have young guys who don't know what they're doing half the time. Why can't we overcome the same problems practically every other team in the NHL has managed to overcome? Even the other teams hanging out at the bottom of the barrel with us are winning games more often than we are.

It's April now. The team that started this season should be getting ready for an epic postseason. Unfortunately, that team is gone. That team got replaced with a bunch of pod people during the All Star break, apparently. We've won three games since then. Three. 3. One, two, three. Three. THREE. It's a complete disgrace.

Yeah, so we lost Fleischmann, so we lost Galiardi, so Stewart got traded. So what? A good team can overcome obstacles like this. A good team rises above. A good team looks to its leaders for support, a good team has a coach that provides some actual direction. You guys are not a good team right now. You just aren't.

I don't know what's wrong, because the majority of you guys were here at the start of the season. Our first half was completely fantastic. I remember thinking back in November and December that, like, maybe we actually had some kind of real, legitimate shot at some postseason success for the first time in a long time. I thought maybe all we really needed to do was one trade, for a more consistent starting goaltender, and we'd be set. We'd be gold!

But no. Things fell apart, somewhere. And things continue to fall apart. And at this point, there's no way to avoid this offseason turning into a bloodbath. I'm looking forward to seeing Stefan Elliott, Tyson Barrie and Joey Hishon next season, assuming they're NHL ready. If they are, though, somebody's gotta move over and make some room. It's pretty clear that we're gonna see some trades, we're gonna see some guys put on waivers, we're gonna see my heart continue to break as the roster gets destroyed and reworked into something that can actually function as a team of professionals playing in the NHL. Because that's not what it looks like right now.

And you know what? When that happens, you have only yourselves to blame, dudes. This is your fault. You dug yourselves into this hole and set up shop. You got used to it. And that is your biggest problem. You're used to losing.

If I'm wrong, and guys who are not named Matt Duchene do still care about the success of this team, prove it to me. Prove it, in these last six games. Show me you care. Show me why I still should. Because this is unacceptable. That's all there is to it.

To all the guys who do manage to keep their spot on the Avs roster after this summer, I hope you still want to be here. I hope the management of this team hasn't screwed you guys over too many times that you're jealous of the guys who get sent away. I hope you come back next year with a vengeance, with a fury and a fire the likes of which we haven't seen on this team for years. I hope you realize you've got something to prove, and I hope you know you're up to the task. Because you are. I do still believe that much. You're in the NHL. This is the top. You've made it this far. Now show us why you belong here.

And don't forget to thank your lucky stars you've got Joe Sakic watching over you now.

In the meantime, I prescribe the speech in this video. Absorb it at least once daily, preferably more often than that, until you have it memorized. Then proceed to say it to yourselves and each other every time you feel you're in danger of falling into the habits you've developed over the second half of this nightmare season.