Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Newsflash: Reality Show Contestants Make Bad Choices

I have decided, against/in spite of any kind of judgment, to start doing recaps of The Bachelor. The reasons for this are... this show is hilariously dumb, and I want to blog more. For the record, I do not typically watch this show, or at least I have not done so recently. I used to watch it all the time, and then I stopped because... it's fake... and superficial... and often pretty sexist! But I was tricked into watching this season by Elizabeth, who was like "Sarah, watch The Bachelor with me so we have something to laugh at" and I said "okay" but now she's not watching it and I still am. It's fine though. Whatever. I'm over it.

So! For those of you who are uninitiated, the bachelor this season is Juan Pablo something with a G, and he used to play soccer and is hot and has a daughter. That's all you really need to know. He will heretofore be referred to as Juan Pabby, which is a nickname my friend Maryssa made up on Twitter (and I would link you to her over there but her account is locked, because following her is a privilege, not a right). Anyway, she knows I'm stealing it, so it's cool.

This week, we start off flying from Korea to Vietnam. Clare, resident genius (who, lest we forget, shouted "Korea?! I don't even own a KIMONO!" last week), tells us all about it: "Korea had it's beauty, but this is like, nature. It's water, it's trees, it's the sun. It's beautiful."

The first one on one date goes to Renee. "Today is a really big day! It really is life changing!" So much hyperbole on this show. Let's keep our cool, Renee. Though this does probably mean you'll get to make out with him, so maybe your celebration is justified.

Renee thinks Vietnam is the perfect setting for a first kiss. Renee also thinks Vietnam is the perfect setting to fall in love. Apparently it is the perfect setting for a lot of things. They are going to a store to have a Vietnamese dress made for Renee, because if it's one thing this show does really well, it's sending a bunch of clueless white people to other countries to appropriate their culture in the name of "putting yourself out there." Renee says she gets smiley when she thinks about all the fabrics in the store. The person in the store measures Renee's bust and Juan Pabby goes "ooooh!" because even though he's pretty, he's also really, really stupid. Renee thinks it's cute, because of course she does.

After they go shopping and buy presents for their respective kids, Renee and Juan Pabby sit on a boat, not kissing, and Renee is clearly sitting there the whole time thinking "WHY. WHY AREN'T WE KISSING. WHY!!!" Then they go to a restaurant and Renee seems surprised that they're the only ones in there, and that there's just a table set for two. She must not have ever watched this show before. They make inane conversation, then... Juan Pabby blows air on her? I guess because she's feeling hot?

Meanwhile at the house they get another date card and it's the rest of them except Nikki. Andi has a minor meltdown because what if Juan Pabby doesn't really like her?!

Here is what Juan Pabby says to Renee, verbatim, when he gives her the rose: "Ay, Renee. What can I say? Such a good date. Look at you. Looking great. I love your dress. You look so nice in your dress. Really good. It's fun spending time with you. Get to know you. Learn more. Know more than just talking about our kids. I like it. I like it a lot. Will you accept this rose?" You know what, I'm really getting Just Friends vibes from these two, but what do I know.

Time for the group date. They're riding around in boats, I don't know. Juan Pabby is in the boat with Clare and they're being morons and making out in front of everyone and I sense incoming drama. "It's basically eight of us and a one on one date," says someone.

Okay, now they're going to some random Vietnamese family's house to eat dinner? Trying to determine if this is staged or not. My gut says yes, of course, but Chelsie's total astonishment at this development is throwing me off. But then again, she is totally astonished at literally every single thing that happens to the point where it feels like she has never been allowed outside her house before, so maybe that's not a good way to measure this.

Now Andi is forcing Juan Pabby to have a heart to heart with her about how she's never had a one on one date and he tells her just to trust him. "When he said trust me, I felt completely calm, at ease, he didn't even have to say anything else." Okay. You seem very easily satisfied, but okay.

Clare is totally unbearable and Juan Pabby is OBSESSED with her. Oh man, he's taking her to his personal suite. Really, Juan Pabby? Do you not realize the impression this is giving? Oh, now they're making out in a pool. While eight girls are waiting around for him downstairs. No big deal.

Okay, finally a moment to talk about Sharleen, my favorite. She is my favorite because she is intelligent and so far out of Juan Pabby's league that they aren't even on the same planet. "I need to know that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears," she says, and this is adorably weird and I LOVE HER and I DO NOT WANT HER TO WIN. You deserve better, Sharleen! Which I think she knows, which is why she keeps saying things like "well there's a lot of PHYSICAL chemistry..."

Clare gets the group date rose ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEE. GAG. Okay, I feel like I'm giving the impression of caring who wins... what I care about is certain people NOT winning. Clare told Juan Pabby "you taste like snow!" the first time they kissed. Just, no. She must not win. Though they would undoubtedly deserve each other, if it got to that point.

Now Clare is sneaking up to Juan Pabby's suite to get him to go swimming in the ocean with her. This is what you get for showing her where you sleep, Juan Pabby. She will stalk you forever now. There is no escape from Clare. Now they're swimming around in the ocean. "We got a little wild" - okay, Juan Pabby, we don't need to know. Gross. And stop it with your eyebrows, Clare.

Unfortunately, a tsunami does not come and sweep them away. Instead, they dry hump off in the distance (and possibly more but again, GROSS).

Blegh, okay, let's try to wash that out of our eyeballs and move on to the date with Nikki. Juan Pabby, what are your thoughts on this date? "Last night I had a great night with Clare - " STOP. STOP TALKING IN THAT VOICE.

Okay. So Nikki and Juan Pabby's date is... repelling into a pit, down to a cave called Hell. SOUNDS ROMANTIC. "I am willing to take risks for love," Nikki says. Right, this is just like that. Then she says "I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants." Nikki is cool with me guys. I do feel pretty bad for her, pretty much all of her dates with him have been things she has hated. "Even though we're in Hell, being with Juan Pablo in here feels like heaven." Okay, whatever. The rest of their date is boring. She gets a rose. At the end they make out and Juan Pabby is like "This is a potential wife right here." Which makes me feel icky.

Time for the cocktail party. Looks like some drama is about to go down. Juan Pabby comes and sits down with them and it's hella awkward. Then Clare makes it worse by giving a toast - "Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love!" Renee finally gets to make out with Juan Pabby, so that sexual tension is temporarily released until next week when she starts talking about wanting to suck face again.

So now Juan Pabby is taking some alone time to experience some guilt and man pain over banging Clare at the beach. "Maybe I made a mistake the other night." He is thinking perhaps they went too far. Now he and Clare are talking and he's telling her it wasn't fair - he says "I'm too fair" and that's why he feels bad about doing the sex with her while he's dating ten other girls. Now Clare is like "I feel silly." And she's also basically like "but it's about how you feel! We need to just do what we feeeeeeeeeeeel!" She continues to feel things at him. He continues to be like "we shouldn't have done it because my daughter is going to watch this" which I'm not sure why THAT is going to happen because she's like 5. Now Clare is crying and this is way more boring than I expected it to be. Clare says this is all "confusing." Which I do 100% understand, considering Juan Pabby was totally on board with ocean sex two nights ago. "If he didn't think it was right, he shouldn't have done it." Uh, yeah.

"Do I want to crawl back in my little turtle shell? Yeah," Clare says. She tells the other girls she has bad allergies and they're like "lol, okay." Clare runs off into the darkness to cry some more, and Juan Pabby goes after her, and she offers to give the rose back, and at this point this is so pathetic that I actually feel really sorry for her.

Rose ceremony time. Juan Pabby gives the usual "I hate this part, it's so hard to say goodbye" speech and then sends home Danielle, Alli, and Kelly (the girl whose occupation was "Dog Lover"). Juan Pabby cries, which is presumably residual emotions from the Clare thing. Everyone else cries also, even the girls who are not going home, because I guess seeing Juan Pabby crying is just that powerful. The only one who doesn't cry is Danielle, who is super normal apparently and did not get enough screen time. Like this seems like the first time she's been on screen, period. Her attitude is pretty much like "well, I was hoping for more but I DID get to travel across the world, so whatevs." Next week they go to New Zealand and Sharleen gets more screen time which is all I want out of this season.

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