Monday, February 10, 2014

The Bachelor: Where the Most Undeserving People Ever Get to Go to Hobbiton

(Everyone enjoy this picture, it was the creepiest promo image I saw in my Google image search.)

It seems unfair that people as dumb as the ones on The Bachelor get to go to New Zealand, which is what I imagine heaven looks like. All I'm going to be able to think about this entire episode is how badly I want to go there. They are TORTURING me with these gorgeous air views. Ugh. SOMEDAY. Juan Pabby ruins the moment by talking about how "it's getting harder" because there are only eight women left and I guess he has feelings for all of them or whatever. According to him, New Zealand is the perfect place to fall in love and find love.

"To get to be in New Zealand, dating, just, this wonderful man... it's incredible," says Chelsie. "Look at the WATERFALL!" someone else says. They're staying in some special exclusive resort called the Huka Lodge and here is their website because I am already planning my trip. (DO NOT look at the page with the prices. It will make you weep.) Seriously though, if I got eliminated on this episode, I would rip up the plane ticket home they gave me and just stay there forever.

"New Zealand is definitely a romantic place," says Clare. "And for some reason, there's kinda that little dark cloud over it." All this from last week again. I had somehow managed to forget it all, but it's all rushing back to me... the late night ocean sexytimes, the regretting of bad decisions, the tears... Clare wants to feel secure and like Juan Pabby still wants her there. Let's all prepare for more crying over this.

Clare reads the new date card for Andi, who gets a one-on-one finally, and then immediately we cut to a talking head of Clare whining that SHEEEEEE didn't get the first one-on-one date with Juan Pabby in New Zealand. Because after last week you haven't had ENOUGH time with him. Come on, girl, stop hogging the Juan Pabby. Clare says "things might erupt in New Zealand." Meanwhile Andi is super happy and adorable and excited. Let's just ignore Clare the Debbie Downer and let Andi have this for once.

Cassandra is jealous of Andi. She is away from her son "dating a guy who is dating other women too" and she feels like maybe she is wasting her time. Well, you got to go to New Zealand for free, so I would be leaning towards "not a waste of time" if I were you, but WHAT DO I KNOW. She is talking to Renee about all her fears. Renee is so nice. She would be an amazing sister wife.

Andi hopes to have a breakthrough with Juan Pabby today. Juan Pabby says he's always liked all the times he's talked to Andi. "Andi's got it going on," he says. He is wearing a scarf I like that he does not deserve. He says "New Zealand is the perfect place for both of us." New Zealand is the perfect place for EVERYONE. You aren't special.

They get in a boat and ride around. At one point in the river they stop and go swimming. Andi is maybe the first lady in Bachelor history to wear a one-piece and I kind of love her for it. This place looks like it is freezing and I have no idea how they thought this was a good idea. They are like crawling through crevices and caves in the water and all I can think is, "how did they film this? What did it look like when the camera guy was trying to do this???"

"We're literally like in a tunnel between caves. But it's beautiful," Andi adds, because they're taken out back and shot if they don't say something good about the dates they're forced to go on. They end up at a magical waterfall. This place better be the Fountain of Youth for how hard it was for them to get to it. They make out underneath it. Juan Pabby declares her to be "incredible." His swimming trunks look like they're going to fall down. Yes I was looking.

Now they're having dinner in front of a geyser. "I think dinner is going to blow our minds," Juan Pabby reads from cue card. The geyser does go off and they do get sprayed by it. We watch the geyser go off for like a full minute. They get totally soaked and their dinner is ruined, so this was poorly planned.

A group date card arrives and everyone's name is on it except Clare's. "Huh? I get a one-on-one?" Clare says, pretending to be surprised. Everyone else haaaaaaates her right now because she's the first one to get a second one-on-one date with him.

Juan Pabby and Andi are talking about their feelings and I'm bored. They tell each other they're glad to be there. He gives her the rose, which he had zipped up in his jacket. Then they make out.

Group date. A Range Rover drives them out to the middle of a field, where Juan Pablo is waiting. "Beautiful scenery, and Juan Pablo definitely adds to the beauty," Kat blasphemes. (This is NEW ZEALAND. Juan Pabby does NOT COMPARE.) They try to have a picnic but the wind is making them all miserable.

"This is my absolute favorite place I've ever been," Chelsie says, standing in the field next to a cow. She says it reminds her of Ohio. I'm sorry, nothing against Ohio, but if you're going to NEW ZEALAND and comparing it to Ohio, you have problems.

Now they're getting in these giant balls and rolling down a hill, and I have to say it does look like it would be extremely fun. Sharleen is wearing the most ridiculous one piece bathing suit I've ever seen, it's white and has a cutout back and like... fringe hanging off the bust. It is terrible. Sharleen, I love you. You know that. But what were you thinking. (However I am very amused that two of my favorite people on this season wore one pieces in the same episode.)

Oh. Oh no. They're going to the damn Shire for their group date cocktail party. This... this is such a betrayal. How could we have let this happen??? No. This is. No. NO. UGHHH THIS IS SO BAD. I CAN'T WATCH THIS. My only consolation is that Sharleen understands how cool it is. But that is not enough. I am going to be so much more bitter and crankier for the rest of this episode due to this horrible show sullying Bilbo's house.

Obligatory "I love kissing Juan Pablo" commentary from Renee. She calls Bag End "the Hobbit house." I hate her now. Nikki tells him she's falling for him but she's scared but it's worth it. They make out. With visible tongue. Outside Bag End. I hate them. Inside they're analyzing whether group date roses are different from one-on-one date roses or rose ceremony roses and I hate them all.

Sharleen gets some one-on-one time and he just starts making out with her. So clearly, as if any clarification was necessary, this relationship is purely physical. They start trying to talk and it's insanely awkward and hilarious. Sharleen has a lot of questions! She wants answers about their relationship and he just wants to make out. "Just live this, enjoy this, make the best out of this," he tells her. Okay, but if you're looking for someone to MARRY, maybe you should have conversations with some substance. Sharleen seems to just decide it's whatever and keeps making out with him.

Inside they start calling the rose "my precious." This cannot get any worse. Cassandra: "That's what I remember from the movie! When I watched the movie I remembered that their houses are like, under the hill." Okay, yes it can. THESE PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO GO TO HOBBITON. Ugh I can't even listen to whatever feelings Cassandra is throwing at Juan Pabby, I'm too angry. Something about him being a great guy or something, WHO CARES.

Juan Pabby is pontificating on who is going to get the rose. Just HURRY UP so we can get out of Hobbiton before my head explodes. Renee says she would love to get the rose but she thinks Cassandra should get it because it's her birthday and she's such a great girl and she's "been someone that I have been rooting for." Sharleen gets the rose because Juan Pabby likes making out with her. Not that I can blame him. She makes the best lipstick choices ever.

Immediately after Sharleen gets the rose, Juan Pabby asks Cassandra to go talk. He says "you're one of my special ones." Um, creepy. He gives her a bunch of compliments and then tells her he's sending her home because he doesn't see a future with her and he doesn't want her to wait two extra days to see her son. Which is kind of nice of him. I guess. Renee is going to cry so hard when she finds out they don't get to be sister wives.

After he puts Cassandra in the van, they show Juan Pabby wandering around with his umbrella and it's very dramatic and some stupid music plays.

"I'm still having a hard time with what happened in Vietnam," Clare says. You and many other people. She says she had her feelings hurt and never meant to disrespect anyone's daughter and then again says the thing she said last week about wanting to crawl back inside her turtle shell. Clare is a turtle.

They sit by some water and talk about it all again and I can't pay attention to any of it because the camera guy cannot hold the camera straight. It is so distracting. No one needs the shaky cam effect on this show. "So far, Juan Pablo did make an effort to make things better. Or to want to make things better." He made an effort to want to make things better. Okay. "Where are our boundaries?" Clare asks. "Don't have sex on TV" seems like a good place to start. I get where she's coming from on all of this - Juan Pabby was definitely sending her some mixed signals - but they are both idiots. Sometimes, the "boundaries" should be obvious, and this is one of those times. Can we please just move on.

My favorite part of this season (besides Sharleen and her lipstick choices) is when Juan Pabby doesn't understand a phrase. This episode he didn't know what "cut to the chase" meant, or what "I would just bolt" meant, or the word "frazzled." He always makes them explain what they're talking about and it's just... endearing. Even though I hate him, and everyone else on this show (except Sharleen).

"I get hot talking about Clare," Juan Pabby says. Yeah, definitely still hate him. The rest of their date is them sitting in a living room talking and while I prefer that kind of date personally, I don't care to watch someone else be on that kind of date on a reality TV show.

Here to drag the episode on even longer, Chris Harrison comes and sits down with Juan Pabby to recap the episode so far. It is boring.

Cocktail party. ALERT ALERT SHARLEEN IS WEARING THAT LIPSTICK I LOVE AGAIN. I care about nothing else.

Nikki and Juan Pabby talk and he is apparently excited by their conversation because he says in a talking head: "Nikki, watch out." Please stop being so creepy and weird, Juan Pabby.

Chelsie or Kat could be going home this rose ceremony so now we are subjected to both of them trying to outdo each other by trying to be the one who opens up the most. Come on, ladies, clearly he is going to pick the one who promises him the most children. Kat seems very confident about her chances when she says "I think it's gonna be Chelsie going home tonight."

Rose ceremony. Nikki gets a rose, Renee gets a rose, and........ CHELSIE GETS A ROSE. Hahahahaha. Kat. This is why you never say "I am totally sure that other girl is going home and not me."

Back at the cocktail party, Sharleen is having a breakdown of some kind. She feels guilty that she gets to stay on the show when girls who like him more have to go home, I guess. She says if she doesn't see herself ending up with Juan Pablo after another week, she's leaving. NOOOOOO no Sharleen, don't leave me here with these people!

Okay, over the credits they show them chasing a bunch of sheep on the group date, and then they get into what Juan Pabby describes as a "sheep poop fight," which looked more like Juan Pabby picking up poop and throwing it at them. ABC blurs out the poop in his hand. Renee is the only one who throws the poop back. THESE PEOPLE WERE IN BILBO'S HOUSE. I AM SO DONE.

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